Jag fick prova att åka motorcykel härom veckan. Jag körde inte ens, bara åkte med. Allt jag kände var ångest. En orimlig skräck som fick katastroftankarna att avlösa varandra. Tänk om jag dör nu. Jag är så jävla dum i huvudet som frivilligt gör det här. Tänk vad mycket viktigt…
Tag: Elegies
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In memory of a loved one
This is a memorial for Mizar, my companion for the past eleven years. She had to be put down a couple of weeks ago after her chronic kidney failure finally got the better of her. There are a thousand cute, funny, weird and wonderful things I could tell you about…
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Resignation
Painting by Clive Barker Happiness consists of getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more. — Robert Heinlein (Starship Troopers) Why is it so easy to open up a gateway to the void inside? One minute you’re calm and full of sunshine and so fucking on top of things, the next…
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Without my skin
I lie awake in bed without my skin I peeled it off last night while you were here I wanted you to feel the blood within I wanted you to know I was sincere You reached into my chest and touched my heart I smiled and opened up my ribcage…
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The physiology of sorrow
Where to begin? Where to pick up the pieces to carry on, after an ending? There is a silence, which is a struggle to break through. Who am I to go on about my petty little feelings? My problems seem insignificant in the face of death. But then, what else…
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Som en ångvält utan handbroms i nedförsbacke
Jävlar vad jag är positiv och gör en massa saker! Men det sitter någon slags demon innanför mina revben och liksom gnager på mitt hjärta. Den gör kroppen tung och sinnet oroligt. Det skall inte kännas så nästan jämt. Men jag har insett bortom alla tvivel nu att min inre…
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The flood
Things are under water which should not be under water. Beings are dead who should not be dead. Thoughts are in my head which should not be in my head. The flood is deep and muddy. The current is strong, and the water is awfully icy. But who’s to decide…
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Being ever unprepared
Suddenly I find myself in Prague. As unprepared as ever. Gods damn it, how can it be that I travel so much and still stress out completely every single time? Flailing around at the last minute, not having fixed half of what I had intended to do before setting out.…
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Just keep on trying
Have you ever looked into the mirror and seen nothing but despair staring back at you from behind your own eyes? Have you ever felt stress coiling around your chest like a boa constrictor, for weeks and weeks? Have you ever looked around you only to find a world that…
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Too much light far too soon
I sleep all right, but still I’m so tired. It’s that time of year, I guess. When the light wakes up before I do and hurts my eyes. Making mud from snow and hurrying the flowers up from their beds while I’m left way behind. I wish I was ready…