Time for my YouTube debut! Behold: My Voice. A poetic expression of my voice-related dysphoria.
This has been a project long in the making. Originally a spoken word performance co-created with a friend, I decided to record it as a poetic duet with myself. So here I am in two versions: 2019 and 2024. Before and after my physical transition. Before and after a pandemia. Before and after withdrawing entirely from social media.
Creating this has been cathartic. I hear and see my past self and I’m transported back to the agony which pervaded every single day. Imagine having to choose between being able to breathe freely and having a respite from the urge to crawl out of your own skin. (I chose the respite.) Imagine that every time you speak it comes out as if through a distortion box. Would you manage to make your voice heard? (Mostly I didn’t.)
The worst thing might be the inevitable normalisation of this state of being. I had no way of knowing for certain whether the way I felt was actually due to dysphoria, and there were no guarantees that transitioning would help. If I’d had a krona for every time I got to hear “but what if you change your mind?” I could have funded the entire thing myself instead of waiting in line and going through the humiliating ordeal of diagnosing for five fucking years.
I was at a point where it was worth a shot. I knew for a fact that I couldn’t stand the status quo much longer, and having squeezed my way through the healthcare hoops I took the leap. Holy hell, did it ever help. On the other side was all I had hoped for and more. I am free now. I am home. To imagine that most people are born into this state of being without ever giving it so much as a second thought is absolutely mind-boggling. I mourn having missed out on this bliss, this integration and connection with the world for over thirty years of my life.
Dear past self: thank you for hanging in there for so long, without knowing when or even if deliverence was coming. That’s the very definition of hope. You did what you had to do, and grew into someone who is finally free to do more than just survive. I love you.
And to you who happen to be reading this and are still struggling with dysphoria: I love you. You are not alone. Things will get easier. Trust that your future self is carrying you to safety.
Love and hope,
Tim
