Here I was bracing for yet another indefinite period of pain and uncertainty. Exhausted and anxiety-ridden, for the first time I seriously considered actually accepting my doctor’s offer of happy-pills (or mood stabilisers or whatever… I’ve always been terrified of the stuff). Not as a permanent solution, but to literally survive until the time came when my situation could improve. Then, all of a sudden, everything happened at once. A medical procedure I’ve been waiting years for. Then, an encounter that allowed me to get over a trauma that’s been haunting me for years. And all within a month, doubling the size of my collective and moving to a big house in a scenic-as-fuck area.
My mind has mostly been going “what” and wondering when I will wake up and realise it was all just a dream. But as the reality of the situation begins to sink in, a wild joy is taking root in my body. It’s funny, how finality can bring such a sense of freedom and tranquillity. I guess at last even I, who’ve always been so scared about closing metaphorical doors, am beginning to realise that commitment is the only way to live for real. To actually enter through an opening instead of standing forever hesitating in the doorway.
My exhaustion is still prevalent, and I don’t even have a job anymore. But I’m not stressing about that. I will grow stronger. I will find some way of earning a living. Earning a living. What a detestable expression. As if waged labour was the only way to deserve existing. Nah, screw that. I totally deserve to be alive and all the happiness I manage to come by, for no goddamned reason at all. So do you.
Love and joy,
Winterdragon
