I established long ago that I am polyamorous. I practise this through relationship anarchy. What, exactly, do I mean by “relationship anarchy”? Whether you are happily monogamous, lost in the jungles of polyamory, or a fellow anarchist looking to trade notes: read on. This might be of use to you.
Now, there are about as many ways to construct relationships as there are anarchists, so don’t mistake this for an attempt at a universal definition. I believe it’s in the nature of anarchists to disagree with one another, so that’s just as it should be. This is personal, and highly subject to change. So rather than a set of rules, or a manifesto in the traditional sense, I’m going to phrase my philosophy as a set of questions. Questions I believe could be valuable to ask even in monogamous relationships.
What does fidelity mean to you?
There are many answers to this question, and none of them are either right or wrong until you and your partner* mutually agree on one. Is sex with other people out of the question? How about flirting, or dancing, or sleeping next to others? Is even having romantic feelings for someone else a dealbreaker?
What does it take for you to trust your partner?
Let us say you agree on a set of rules for your relationship. What do you want the conditions to be? Is anything permitted, as long as you talk about it? Or are you more comfortable with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?
What do you expect from your partner? What does your partner expect from you?
As a relationship develops, we tend to take a lot of things for granted. However, these expectations aren’t necessarily mutual, which sooner or later tends to complicate things. Therefore it’s useful to articulate the unspoken, both to yourself and between each other, repeatedly throughout the relationship. How much time do you expect to spend together? Which aspects of each other’s lives do you expect to be kept up to date with? Do you expect to be introduced to each other’s families? In what situations do you want to be able to depend on your partner’s help?
What constraints are you willing to put on your own freedom?
Defining your own boundaries is useful whether you are in a relationship or not. Ideally, write them down, hand the list to a trusted friend, and have them check in with you on whether your boundaries have been overstepped by someone. How much time do you need to spend alone? What secrets do you wish to keep to yourself? Would you be okay with stopping seeing certain people because of a partner’s jealousy? How would you feel about a partner making demands about your appearance? What do you consider to be abuse (physical or emotional)?
What constraints do you have the right to put on another person’s freedom?
Compare this with your own boundaries. Is it reasonable to ask someone to give up something you are not willing to give up yourself? What conditions and assurances do you crave in order to be with someone, and what needs do actually lie beneath those cravings?
Where is the line between friendship and a romantic relationship?
What degree of physical intimacy do you consider platonic? Does sex necessarily imply romance, and vice versa? Is a distinction between friendship and romance necessary at all?
What words would you like to use, and how important are they to you?
Partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, friend, fuckbuddy, significant other, spouse… There are many labels to use for relationships, and most of them are ambiguous in their definitions. Which one(s) do you prefer to use about each person, and which one(s) are you comfortable having used about you? Do you prefer not to name your relationships at all? The answers don’t have to be the same for everyone you’re involved with, and can furthermore be dependent on who’s asking.
Do you necessarily value romantic relationships higher than friendships?
Who are the most important people in your life? Does someone automatically mean more to you because you’re sleeping with them? Do you have a tendency to stop spending time with your friends when entering a romantic relationship?
Do you prefer to live together with one romantic partner (or several), with friends, or on your own?
It can be great to live together with your partner. Sometimes, it’s more constructive to live apart. Consider your own needs, and what compromises you’re willing to make, before moving in with someone.
What’s your ideal family constellation?
Do you want kids? In what kind of environment would you like your kids to grow up? There are a lot of ways to be a parent, and families don’t have to be built upon romantic love.
Are there situations where you don’t want your romantic involvment with your partner to be known?
If so, let your partner know and make sure you’re on the same page. Correspondingly, ask yourself whether you are okay with your partner being open (or secretive) about your relationship in various situations.
Just to make it clear: there are no right answers to these questions, except the ones you agree on. To me, that’s the beauty of relationship anarchy: the freedom to make it up as I go along.
At its heart, anarchy refers to the absence of hierarchies. There is no authority to tell us how to structure our relationships and how to treat each other, and no pre-ordained formula for how to value relationships compared with one another. It doesn’t mean that we don’t value the various people in our lives differently; rather it means we question conventions regarding what gives some relationships a higher value. It doesn’t have to mean there are no rules; rather it means the freedom to make up one’s own rules. Always done openly and with consent, of course, otherwise it’s just cheating.
That’s most of what wisdom I have to share about relationships. You’d think that after practicing polyamory for the better part of a decade, I’d have some solid answers instead of a bunch of questions. But I’ve come to realise that to keep asking is really at the core of the matter. Questions with open answers, therein lies the freedom I hold so dear.
Love and anarchy,
Winterdragon
*A note on wording: “partner” is here used to refer to “a person you are romantically or sexually involved with”, regardless of what label (if any) you have chosen to put on your relationship.
